I had entered radio silence on here for a while, because I largely expected this post to inform you all that I've bought a .com and have begun a wordpress blog. I think I'm going to hold off on doing that however, seeing as I have yet to write my first post on it. I've tried... I've tried several times, but I just can't get the flow down. I can't seem to say exactly what it is that I want to.
There was a time when it wasn't uncommon for me to enter an almost trance-like state as I wrote. My vision would blur as I looked beyond the computer screen, my fingers flying across the keyboard. Words would pour out of me like wine; and it was just as intoxicating. I believed the words weren't coming from a well of my own divining, but rather from something a little more Divine. And it was good. And a long time ago. I haven't written like that in ages. I honestly can't remember the last time when I was able to accurately and effortlessly present my thoughts on xanga or otherwise.
For someone who thinks of himself as a writer, this is not a light blow. I'm not falling apart by the seams, but t does make me question more than I'd like to admit. For all intents and purposes, it seems my well has gone dry. I know the Divine one has not, cannot but the end result is still the same... I can't seem to get to it. It's like someone cut the rope attached to my bucket. I know there's water down there, but I have no clue how to get to it.
This is problematic for more reasons than just writing. In seven (7!) days I'm getting married. I can honestly say I've got no real clue at how being a spiritual leader works... Or how, for that matter, I can be more than a spiritual liability. I just feel like I'm losing my grip on how it is that I'm supposed to be a Christian.
The only time I remember to think about God is just as I down down to sleep. Growing up, that was always when I prayed. Now, I feel a nightly pang of guilt at having forgotten to pray all day, then I fall asleep. I have no idea how God feels about any of this... I can never tell if I'm making him angry or sad. I suppose that's part of the reason it persists. That seems like a scary confrontation to have... But one I'd be willing to fare if I wasn't so sure I'd wind up right back here again...
But... Not living in the present because of the past of future doesn't seem like the way to go either. What is it about real life? A full time job, bill, relkationships, and suddenly you look around it's been three weeks since you made it to church and even longer since you've felt particularly close to God... I've got a few days before the wedding. Leah is already up in Ohio getting things ready there, and I'm doing the same here. I'm hoping as part of this time I can manage to get myself back in the place I should be in.
If anyone has any thoughts out there, let me hear them.
Comments (2)
Hi Paul...
Part of being the spiritual head of the house means being at least aware enough to know where you are and what your "spiritual temperature" at any given time. You ARE, if nothing else, aware. So that's a good thing. How to FIX it, or how to get back to that inspired, words-pouring-forth-like-rain place with God is a very individual thing...and something you and God will have to wrestle with.
Do not let guilt, for WHATEVER reason prevent you from carrying on an honest conversation with God about where you are...or how you got here. He knows. And I know you know He knows. However, it's real easy to allow the feelings of guilt to overtake your desire to be in that intimate place with Him again...to which I would tell you: The level of intimacy you reach with God is achieved the same way intimacy is achieved with your beloved wife-to-be. Spending TIME. Being HONEST. Having conversations. Both St. John of the Cross and Mother Teresa (merely two examples) felt even closer to God and had a more powerfully written testimony AFTER a time of spiritual barrenness. It could be that this time of feeling alone in the desert will lead you to an amazingly lush and fertile oasis of inspiration. You'll not know until/unless you push through to the other side. I know this post is part of that. I know you're not a quitter. I know I will, at some point, be reading a post where this place is spoken of in past tense.
Meanwhile, know that you are loved. And prayed for. And believed in.
Hello Paul,
You made your site simple yet elegant. I see that God is foremost in your mind as you go about your daily activities. Now is a good time! I recommend the one true God, Jehovah.
I want to help people to really get to know God, especially in these troubled times. Here is an important message for all of us from the Bible: 17 You make God tired with all your talk. "How do we tire him out?" you ask. By saying, "God loves sinners and sin alike. God loves all." And also by saying, "Judgment? God's too nice to judge." (Malachi 2:17) (Message Bible)