I miss Xanga. That's not quite true. Clearly, Xanga is still here and as present as it ever has been... The issue is not with the website, but rather with those that used to frequent it (Myself included.) It's hard to say what the cause is... Is it facebook? Twitter? Have the possibilities of updating on a moment-by-moment basis the trivialities of one's day finally overcome the transmission of full ideas? Is it possible that all at once we ran out of things to say? Could it be that the deep thoughts that used to sustain us finally dried up? Is there a spiritual antonym of "Revival"? If so, who sanctioned that idea?

There was a time when one could wander the blogs from those of us in the Johnson Blogring and inadvertantly bump into kindred spirits, deep thoughts, and occasionally, even God. Admittedly, it was just as likely that you might trip over bad grammar and fall headlong into heresy, but even that was okay because you had an entire campus flaming your ass to let you know just where you dropped the ball. For several of us, the blog ring had become a link to the community we had hoped to find in the dorms and hallways of Johnson... When it began to flicker and fade away, I feel like to some degree a few of us did as well. (Yes, I'm still included.)

As much as I hate to admit it, I feel my xanga posts are a relatively accurate barometer of my own spirituality. When I'm particularly close to God, he shares neat ideas with me that I'm compelled to share with the world at large. When I'm not, I'm ridiculously self-minded and proceed to skip merrily through life keeping myself busy to avoid sitting still long enough to acknowledge the Soul Silence that has become me. When I was in high school, I realized that when I started to ignore God, eventually He'd start trying to shake up the things around me so I might notice Him. It may be in the form of a really bad day or a rotten mood. For the last few years it's been a chronic inability to write more than a paragraph without second-guessing it into deletion.

I've spoken before about my life occasionally feeling like it's not going anywhere. That is sort of the opposite of where I'm at now. You see, for the last couple of years I've been planning on making this fall my triumphal return back to Johnson. I was going to begin my junior year, and next year Leah and I would graduate together. The plan, was that after those two years, the school would give me some options... The media program supposedly had a pretty high placement rate and based on whatever was available, Leah and I would go on to the next stage of our life.

Recently, I've begun to question that particular plan. It's been a reoccurring theme over the last few weeks. About three weeks ago a buddy of mine and I were talking about future plans and he says, "Oh! By the way, I've been meaning to ask you... What do you do with a media degree from Johnson?" The fact that I didn't have an answer left me a little concerned. But, I'm nothing if not flexible, so I figured I'd just not think about it and it'd take care of itself. The following week, Leah wound up asking me the same question and asking how the degree would provide more opportunities than I'd have without it. Again, I wasn't entirely sure about the answer. Fast forward to last weekend. Through a wacky turn of events I wound up having the opportunity to speak with a few media graduates. After hearing their thoughts I scoured online and spoke with a few others. It appears the consensus is in: With a media degree I can work for the school, live with my parents, or be unemployed. Out of everyone I asked, no one appeared to be doing a whole lot with what they had gone to school for during the previous four years. I understand the program has its merits, and I'd like to be a part of it still... But from what I've been able to gather I just can't seem to justify the cost of two more years at a private school for a degree that most in the secular world wouldn't be inclined to take terribly seriously. (Dad, if you're reading this... *sigh* You were right.)

So then. The question becomes, what shall become of me? Leah and I have talked about it all day today and ran the plan by some friends and family. We found everyone was pretty well unanimously on-board, so after praying about it a little more I think we're going to take one more year off of school, then Leah is going to finish her senior year next fall. In the meantime, I'm going to try to find out if I can manage to move up and out of customer service at work. In my free time, my priorities and focus are going to shift to trying to make a name for myself anyway I can. I plan on taking the plunge and trying to get a few freelance writing jobs for anything that will pay me. I've filmed a few weddings and would like to continue doing that as well. Also, I just recently entered and won a video contest and I'm thinking I see several more in my future. Essentially, I'm taking the next two years to do my best to build up a portfolio. After that? Who knows? Leah and I have no specific ties, we are absolutely free to go anywhere in the world we want. God can send me the memo whenever he's ready.

But for now... I find that my life-plan being shaken has caused a few of the walls I've built around myself to crumble. It's not much, but I can feel God brushing just a little closer than I have in a long time. The fact that you're reading a post written by me is proof of that to some degree. I feel like for maybe the first time in a long time, I'm ready to experience God in whatever terms he wants to present himself in instead of the box I've tried to cram him into.

In response to my wife's last post:



and I'll raise you one:

I had entered radio silence on here for a while, because I largely expected this post to inform you all that I've bought a .com and have begun a wordpress blog. I think I'm going to hold off on doing that however, seeing as I have yet to write my first post on it. I've tried... I've tried several times, but I just can't get the flow down. I can't seem to say exactly what it is that I want to.

There was a time when it wasn't uncommon for me to enter an almost trance-like state as I wrote. My vision would blur as I looked beyond the computer screen, my fingers flying across the keyboard. Words would pour out of me like wine; and it was just as intoxicating. I believed the words weren't coming from a well of my own divining, but rather from something a little more Divine. And it was good. And a long time ago. I haven't written like that in ages. I honestly can't remember the last time when I was able to accurately and effortlessly present my thoughts on xanga or otherwise.

For someone who thinks of himself as a writer, this is not a light blow. I'm not falling apart by the seams, but t does make me question more than I'd like to admit. For all intents and purposes, it seems my well has gone dry. I know the Divine one has not, cannot but the end result is still the same... I can't seem to get to it. It's like someone cut the rope attached to my bucket. I know there's water down there, but I have no clue how to get to it.
This is problematic for more reasons than just writing. In seven (7!) days I'm getting married. I can honestly say I've got no real clue at how being a spiritual leader works... Or how, for that matter, I can be more than a spiritual liability. I just feel like I'm losing my grip on how it is that I'm supposed to be a Christian.

The only time I remember to think about God is just as I down down to sleep. Growing up, that was always when I prayed. Now, I feel a nightly pang of guilt at having forgotten to pray all day, then I fall asleep. I have no idea how God feels about any of this... I can never tell if I'm making him angry or sad. I suppose that's part of the reason it persists. That seems like a scary confrontation to have... But one I'd be willing to fare if I wasn't so sure I'd wind up right back here again...

But... Not living in the present  because of the past of future doesn't seem like the way to go either. What is it about real life? A full time job, bill, relkationships, and suddenly you look around it's been three weeks since you made it to church and even longer since you've felt particularly close to God... I've got a few days before the wedding. Leah is already up in Ohio getting things ready there, and I'm doing the same here. I'm hoping as part of this time I can manage to get myself back in the place I should be in.

If anyone has any thoughts out there, let me hear them.